The WriTer* in Me!
30/04/2005
Just what am i to you?
InV: Im sick of superficiality. I hate superficial friendships.
Some how i wish i can just live on with those few pple in my life. To be true, anything outside them doesnt really concern me. But alongside with "globalisation", i cant. Smiles smiles smiles. Which of them comes truly from the heart. Maybe it's because i lied too much, i suspect as much about others. Other than those few. Yea.. those few. I cant live without them, can i? Maybe i can. I dont come into this world with any, anyway. Seriously, i dont like the feeling of depending on someone. If that someone leaves me, i wont know what to do. N i will resort to destroying that someone, out of hatred for abandoning me. I bow to the powers of desolation. It's evil boiling up.. perhaps because I foresee the intensity of hurt i will be suffering. I am able to generate tt feeling.. somehow. Being imaginative can be fatal at times like this.
Someone once said this: I realise those people who look outgoing usually have very dark and dampening blogs. Maybe it's a form of relief and an outlet for emotions.
Anitsocialism upgarded to level 2. If I have nothing, I have nothing to lose. Nothing = no pain. Happiness today = greater pain in the future.
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28/04/2005
Kai Ling did manage to try to be nice and in the end admist all negative influences, at least she went through the process, carrying a smile. Be it fake or natural, the physical presence of it is enough. That is what others see anyway.
I have a voice. Loud and powerful, I almost drowned in it. Shielding what's beneath, what ought to be discovered. Yet shaken as they were, were not awakened to point that out. I could have loathed, i could have objected silently, let the seed of evil breed and grow. If dark is the world, I'll be that world.
Inner voice: "We cannot live in solitaire" - i cannot adopt that way of thinking. You cannot label me for what I am not. You cant destroy my dreams like that. Neither can you forsake my right to lead a life I want. A life of challenges and tides and fun and adventures. So just shun off! Stop acting like you don't care! Dont force me to smile when i wanna cry and dont stop me when i feel like punching someone! You are not me! Yet you are controlling my life!GAh
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26/04/2005
Kai Ling shall not be antisocial from this day on and SMILE to everyone she knows / wanna know
kai Ling shall not be SO niao from now on so as to not suffer another beating from whoeva she insulted
Kai Ling shall be more chatty and express more concern for others around her
Kai Ling shall eat less and save more money :( TYS and BOOKS are tearing my wallet
Kai Ling will try her very best the achieve the above mentioned.
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21/04/2005
Today, nothing much. Just that i can officially label myself as a MUGGER! i actually went to library n flipped that 600pg thick Chem tb to prepare for the chem olympiad selection test earlier this evening - _ -
Oh and i did something crazy ytd. There was this new design for NY PE shirt n OMG i actually spent 10 dollars buying it when there is not much practical use for it. GAH.. im certain im crazy!
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17/04/2005
相聚离开都有时候 没有什么会永垂不朽
可是我有时候 宁愿选择留恋不放手
等到风景都看透 也许你会陪我看细水长流
Back from council camp with bruises all over -sigh- a result of not really exercising for near to a year - clumsiness. Let's see, i have got bruises on my knees for being too hiong in playing dodgeball, internal damage resulting from colliding with HUGE guys during frisbee, shoulder suffering from abrasion and near-dislocation (hah) from running and tripping and fall on my shoulder and roll or even more metres. :) heehee but all in all, the camp rocked! Though i wasnt being very very friendly.. still bonded quite well with my group. CELTS!!! CELTS RULZ!though i always spell it wrongly but.. well..ya it still rox!
I thought nanyang was already badly infested with mosquitoes, but HC was worst! i cant sleep for the first night.. cauz there were like X mosquitoes in the classroom and i suffer from itch caused by 9-10 mosquito bites all over my legs! GAH! then second night.. didnt really slp much either. So im like dozing off now.. and i still have math tut to complete [n what m i doing here?]
haahh oh and got to interact with the snr batch.. got alot of good advices :) And Ive made my decision! like finally!
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14/04/2005
but moving on to today. ShockING NEWS. sigh then i dont know what i should do now. I once missed that chance.. now that it's back, im not sure if im able to take on the challenge. GAH. And.. things didnt really go smoothly. Yupz.. especially the later part of the day. Oh well.. different perspective and working styles i guess.
Council camp starting tmr.. lasting till sunday :D
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08/04/2005
My name will be here and not elsewhere i guess. Left it to fate and it landed me here. Soon, my heart will float by and return to where i am.
I cant help but just admit that im stupid. I knew it before the elections. Ytd, i went for lunch at J8 with my mum. I was feeling so intelligent, discussing about Tang poems and poets with her and yadah yadah. Then when we flagged a taxi by the road to go home, i was trying to hurry up so as not to let the cars at the back wait.. but i swear i heard someone yell "KAILING!" then i turn back while im entering the car.. and BANG my poor head went to the top cover. OUCH.. the taxi uncle said he could feel the car shaking la.. and throughout the whole journey he was laughing at me lo.. kept saying i was very cho lor.. and kept telling me to be more gu niang when i get on a car next time, while i kept rubbing my head to make sure no blood clots will accumulate to cause some stroke. GAH.. i am stupid.
Im mild and unexciting. How's that.
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06/04/2005
What is there to update.. haha just felt ultra high today.. haha the mei2 chi1 yao4 group was simply crazee this morning.. went to maths lect when we continue crapping abt heavenly gel. Then PW slacked slacked slacked [teacher not here] then erm Gambling club has got new recruitments.. settled Class com2 and class warming outing. :D
I smell fishy [literally] when i got home yucks. I was initially drenched when i got on the bus home.. then the air con blew at me.. full blast.. then i guess the Water molecules got more KE [both from the blast and my shivering] and evaporated. So i stepped into my house as if i didnt get wet at all -_-.
OH JOELYN still owes me present.
Council elections on friday. Xiao Huang Cheng on saturday. :D
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03/04/2005
College life. A time to get down and be serious about life ahead. Truly a time to really think about the future. Time to get pragmatic. I guess i cant really keep my old life huh? The adventurous and fun life i used to have. Slack wheneva time allows, be enthu at anything i wish to..seems like i cant do that now.
Some may not understand. But if it's not an important issue in my life, i wont be pondering over it for so long. This surely disrupts the plans i made for my life, and making the wrong decision will no doubt affect the flow of my plans. But then again, life is full of possibilities.. maybe this is just a call from up there to change my plans. Mabbe this way, more will come. Still that line "leave it to fate". I guess in the end, things will naturally fall in place. Even if in reality it doesnt, it's my only glimpse of hope left, so just let me believe in it.
And I apologise to whoeva i've offended by getting pissed at everyone present ytd for the mtg. some ideas that got into my head made me very puzzled and disappointed, then i got fustrated at myself for not having the ability to do anything. Well, mabbe i can, just that i haven't tried. Oh dear friend, why dont u share my sentiments?
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01/04/2005
gah im spent the whole day on THAT and didnt even had a chance to celebrate my parents' bdae with them. such a bad daugther, what's the use of getting that far?
I need to reflect "Om..."
I said it has changed, and it truly had changed, and it's still changing. Everything's changing..and i'm just floating around, looking at the things pass by and i just cant reach out to them. Not willing to or no ability to.. i really dont know. i just know when the things get really far from me and i cant really see it.. im sure i will forget about it, whether i want it or not. Cauz it has left my life and will never come back. how i wish i can get hold on to something, at least one thing.
I DO NOT KNOW
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